Bachelorette Soapbox

I wasn't a big fan of Ashley during Brads season and did not think she was the best choice, but I also wasn't a huge fan of Jillian Harris during Jason Mesnick's season, and I loved her after her season of the Bachelorette, so I thought I would give her a chance. So far, I have not been impressed with her instincts. In fact, I am pretty sure if I hear her say Bentley's name one more time I will throw something. And yes, I am moving anything breakable from my reach before Monday's episode.

So here are random thoughts (some would say rants) from this weeks episode:

Did I miss the episode where Bentley and Ashley actually bonded? I mean c'mon she hadn't even had a one on one date with the guy! Were his kisses that good? Did she get the good loving and we missed it?

<------ THIS GUY SUCKS. I swear if any guy ever leaves me with "dot. dot. dot." I will punch him in the forehead? Where did this saying come from, who do I have to hurt?

How many time has she told the guys to be 100% honest with her but at the same time she is harboring these deep (unfounded) feelings for Bentley. I mean, what a double standard here!

How does the guy Ashley end up with feel watching her pine for Bentley? I can imagine he would have a little complex about Bentley after watching this. I am sure Ashley has some explaining to do! And yes, I read the spoilers, and know who it is she picks at the end, and I feel for him. Watching this crap cannot be easy.

How bad is it that I am looking forward to the guys laying into her when she tells them Bentley is back? I hope the previews aren't misleading and they really lay into her.

I REALLY hope Bentley actually attends the Men Tell All and doesn't flake out like most of the hated on guys in the past have done... I am looking at you Wes and Justin "Rated R".

Don't get me wrong, I am sure we have all been attracted to someone who was not good for us, so I am trying to not hate on her there, especially since she has not seen all the horrible things he has said about her, so I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but this is getting insane.

If all of this Bentley closure nonsense doesn't get squared up next week, I am really going to consider skipping out on the rest of the season.

Am I the only one who thinks Ben F. is the most boring person in the world? I mean, if he wasn't a wine maker I would have no interest in him. But since he is a wine maker... Call me!



I wish Ashley would stop thanking the guys for continuing on this journey with her. Who wouldn't want to travel, stay in fabulous places, and go on all sort of adventures on ABC's dime? Ignore the fact that the girl you are dating is dating 15 other guys, and it is a perfect vacation!


Wow, Ashley was warned by Michelle Money about Bentley and she still let him stay (and has whined about him for 5 episodes now)but William says Ben C. was looking forward to internet dating and she booted him out like it was nothing. I think most of us can agree with Ben C's total look of confusion.

Speaking of William: Preempting something with "I don't want to throw the guy under the bus" and then completely throwing him under the bus does not make it better.

Ryan is really becoming annoying. Watching him push Williams bags out the door with a big smile on his face just up'd his tool shed membership.

And in closing, I have one request. More JP!!!

Idol Notes... Get it? Cause they sing --Notes.

Beyonce, as so many people have told me this week "dye it back"

Dear JLo, 1990 called and would like its hair style back.

ROUND 1: Contestants Pick

Scotty singing Lonestar's "Amazed"

I guess if its not broke, don't fix it.

I wish they would back off the makeup on Scotty, he wears more foundation than I do.

Nice job using his higher range.

Hate how he plays to the camera. All the thoughtful long gazes and eyebrowing creep me out. You're 16 dude!

Lauren singing Faith Hill's "Wild Woman"

Why do they dress Lauren so horribly? The earrings, the shirt, the boots... She is a beautiful girl, why make her look like a bad drag queen?

NOT her best performance. She sounded out of breath the whole time.

Haley singing Led Zeppelin's "What Is and What Should Never Be"

Her song choices have always been questionable, and tonight is no different.

So when she came down the stairs, I imagined her falling and laughed, but I got my wish when she fell up the stairs. Good recovery!

Judges gave round one to Haley, and I agree. (is the sky falling?)

ROUND 2: Jimmy Livine Picks

Scotty's Audition Revisit:

Before they started dressing him like a country Ken doll.

Look how cute he is without the makeup and the shaved head.

Scotty singing "Thompson Square's "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not"

LOVE this song!

Oh, God, more eyebrows.

Nice delivery--if you take out all the eyebrows.

See, JLo agrees with me-- shave your head for the finale...and wear no makeup.

Lauren's Audition Revisited:

Ok, maybe Lauren dresses herself.

Lauren singing The Band Perry's "If I Die Young"

Great song choice for her. Good job Livine, good job.

Next time I screw up I am going to call it "a very honest moment" as JLo would say.

Haley's Audition Revisited:

She was slightly more likeable. Slightly.

Haley singing Steve Nick's "Rhiannon"

I would like a wind machine to follow me everywhere.

I would have given round 2 to Haley... (shit, the sky is falling)

Beyonce's New Video Debut:

I blame you Lady Gaga.

ROUND 3: Judge's Pick

Scotty singing Kenny Roger's "She Believes in Me"

Why did they pick this song for Scotty? He's 16!!!

Did they make him wear the blazer to channel Kenny Rogers? He's 16!!!

Scotty's Dad is "In it to win it!" He's 16!!! Oh, wait..

Lauren singing LeAnn Womack's "I Hope You Dance"

Can we please retire this song... From life.

Pretty Dress! Finally the sylist did her right!

Randy is the biggest name dropper. Ever. Guy is close friends with everyone. I bet he knows my garbage man.

Haley singing Alanis Morissettes "You Outta Know"

"Would she go out with you to the theatre?" guess that's the PG version.

Man, I was hoping she would fall up the stairs again...

I give round 3 to Lauren. (whew, finally life is back to normal)

Who Goes Home Tomorrow???
No. Clue. I was lost when James was sent home last week, I thought for sure the finale would be James and Lauren. Now, I wonder if Haley has more of a following than you would guess. Unfortantly.

11 Commandments of Dating... Supposedly

I recently came across Patti Stangers 11 Commandments to Dating. For those who do not know, Patti has a popular tv show on Bravo called "The Millionaire Matchmaker." She is considered an expert in the field of dating (yes, we are considering dating a field here) so I thought I would review my thoughts on her commandments and see just how well I am doing. For fun, I even decided to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 5. 5 being I rocked that rule, 1 being change now! So, here we go: 11 Commandments of Dating or as I see it, 11 Reasons Why I am Single.

1. Thou Shall Return Calls in a Timely Manner
Always return a potential love interest's call within 48 hours during the week (72 hours over the weekend).
Do people still do the whole wait three days rule? Guys: chicks hate this rule! If you like us, Call us!Text us! Email us! Send a carrier pigeon! Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I had an actual phone conversation with someone I was interested in, mostly texts...I will be scolded for that later...

My Score: 5 (...if I am interested...)

2. Thou Shall Honor Your Commitments
Don't be a flake. If you make plans, keep them.
I am guilty of this, the whole canceling thing. I didn't even think twice about it until it happened to me. After weeks of talking (on the phone even!) and anticipation, the guy canceled 1 hour before we were supposed to go out with a crappy, yet to be explained excuse. I decided then and there I would never flake out again.. well, with first dates anyways.

My Score: 5

3. Thou Shall Let the Man Take the Lead
Let the man be the hunter. Let him call you first. Let him ask you out.
What happened to the feminist movement where you were told if you want something go after it? What if he is shy? What if he really liked me but lost my number? What if he has been hurt before and is scared to put himself out there? What if I totally sound like every woman waiting to be called?

My Score: 2 (seems I need to cut back on my hunting and work on my gathering...)

4. Thou Shall Leave History in the Past
So... bad mouthing my ex while talking about all my past medical and financial problems is a bad idea? Hmm. Good to know... I kid.I kid.

My Score: 4

5. Thou Shall Be Focused and Positive
Be engaging. Answer his questions. Keep your attention on him. Ask questions. Banter. Listen with eye contact.
I'm sorry, what were we talking about? I had my eyes closed

My Score: 5 (I can fake interest like the best of them)

6. Thou Shalt Not Drink Too Much
(sheepishly puts away my beer funnel)

My Score: 4 if I'm on a date, 1 if we happen to run into each other out.

7. Thou Shalt Not be a Gold Digger
Do not ever ask for anything of monetary value. He is your potential soul mate, not your bank.
Wait, are there actual women out there asking for money or their bills to be paid? If so, STOP IT! You're making the rest of us hard working women look bad. Don't you know you wait till you trick them into marrying you and then you spend their money???

My Score: 5 (Kanye wasn't singing about me!)

8. Thou Shall Act Like a Lady
I typically do pretty good a not burping, farting or scratching myself in public, so I think I am good here. That being said, I haven't met a dirty joke I didn't like, a drinking challenge I haven't attempted, and I have been known to tell my fair share of inappropriate stories, so maybe I will brush up on this one a little...

My Score: 3 (So, two hookers walk into a bar...)

9. Thou Shall Show Sincere Appreciation and Interest
Also remember the 4:1 Rule—once he takes you out four times, do something nice for him!
Wow, I am a cookie baking, dinner making slut, because I would have never thought to wait 4 dates before I did something nice for a guy.

My Score: 5? (do I count against myself for my eagerness to do something nice?)

10. Thou Shalt Not Give Nookie on the First Date
No sex or sexual favors before monogamy.
So I should find a new dating coach other than Fred Durst (hello, calling 1999) who famously said "I did it all for the nookie, yah, the nookie?" Well...I don't know what to say here beside, you can take that cookie and stick it up your... OK, OK while Fred Durst is a lyrical genius (HAHA), a dating mentor he is not... (and yes, I can break out into that song at anytime at the drop of the hat)

My Score: 3 (don't judge me)

11. Thou Shall Break the Text Habit
Told you I was going to be scolded for it later. So yes,my name is Jamie, and I am a textaholic. My last cell bill lied and said I sent 1987 texts last month. Yes, one THOUSAND nine hundred and eighty seven. I am not embarrassed to admit that a decent amount of those texts may or may not have been used on a few fellas I had my eye on... that nothing came out of... Ok, maybe I am slightly embarrassed.

My Score: -1987

So there you have it... the 11 Commandments of Dating. While most of them seem like common sense, like not asking for money, and being attentive while on your date, some of them still are wide open for debate. I am still not sure if I am on board with the whole let the man be the hunter thing.. I mean what if his last hunting trip left him really hurt and he is really scared to hunt again?

When did Romance become so Romanticized?

In this day and age of romantic movies, there are plenty of examples of how romance "should be" done. Supposedly, the bigger and more unrealistic the gesture, the better. That being said, I can promise you, the last time I sat in the corner, no one came to my rescue. No one has ever taken me into Tiffany's and told me to "pick a ring." There was never a time someone took me on a canoe ride through hundreds of swans and the last time someone told me they "didn't give a damn" I was pretty pissed. Have you ever noticed most guys do not want anything to do with these movies? Who can live up to the hype? Does that mean that romance is dead? Not quiet. I just think that guys are going about it slightly differently.

A friend of mine got her romantic moment on Facebook today. And yes, it was weird typing "her romantic moment on Facebook" but stick with me here. A guy she had been casually dating left her a message on her wall telling her all the things he liked about her and then ended the message with a song he had found to explain how he felt. The message was thoughtful and avoided any comments about her booty and the song was genius (check out Adele's "The One and Only") This was a perfect show of affection for my friend who lives through music and states that life speaks to her daily through Pandora. Not only did this message make a public statement (Guys: women like public statements. Why do you think we always want the flowers delivered to our work?) but now he has all of her friends rallying behind him. I am pretty sure if she does not date this dude we will riot the streets.

I remember my favorite gift I have ever received was when my boyfriend at the time, printed up the words to my all-time favorite song ("Crush" by Dave Matthews Band) and had it framed for me to hang in my room. I remember thinking it was quiet possibly the best gift I had ever been given and with the exception of my dog (another gift from him) it is still to date my favorite thing I have ever been given.

Years later, another boyfriend bought me all kinds of great things for my birthday but the best thing he did cost nothing. He told me that the boys (aka my dogs) wanted to take me somewhere for my birthday and then he drove me and my boys to the dog park. Perfect day.

Will these examples be in the next romantic movie to hit the big screen? No. Will some people find this all lame? Yes. More lame than watching "The Notebook" with their girlfriend while she balls her eyes out and wails "Do you love me that much?!" Not even close. I am not sure if my friends guy knew she lives through music and I am sure that my exes were probably shocked that the small gesture of typing up my favorite song or spending a hour at the dog park with me would be part of my fondest memories, but sometimes it is the small things. Besides, not everyone has access to swans.

Ding Dong The Vampire's Gone

If you actually follow this blog (yes, all one of you) you would know I did not blog about last weeks episode of The Bachelor. I will be honest, I didn't feel like watching it. But... I'm baaaaack!

Ashley S. One-on-One Date

Can I just say, I hate when Brad says "I chose this date" or "I arranged this date", because we all know that Brad himself did not plan or chose the dates. Brad did not call Capital Records and say "I would like to humiliate myself by going into a recording booth and sing a song from 1994, think you could make that happen?" Either way, singing in front of my guy is something I normally save until I know for sure he likes me.. A LOT. I have a feeling that this Tenley Molzahn look-alike will be around for a while. As a sidenote: I wasn't a big fan of Seal's "Kiss from a Rose" back in 1994 but I totally was digging it tonight. Only took 17 years...

Group Date (Action Movie called Love Hurts...Really.)

Another huge group date. 13 women. Is Brad looking for a wife or a wife plus sister wives? Basically all we get to see in this date (besides how bad of an actor Brad is...) is just how crazy Michelle is starting to become. If you remember, Michelle is the spokeswoman for "Brad needs a real woman, I am a real woman" but then does childish things like covering her face when her hair when she doesn't want to see something and and puts her fingers in her ears when she doesn't want to hear something. Yah, clear signs of being a "real grown woman." I know 10 year old's who are more mature...

Emily's One-On-One

So Emily had everyone in tears about her one true love (Ricky Hendricks, of the NASCAR Hendricks) dying in a plane accident and her finding out 5 days later that she was pregnant with his child. Mark my words. Drop dead gorgeous, sweet, Southern gal with a sad back story has next Bachelorette written all over her. Her date with Brad was tense at first because Brad gave her many openings to tell her story or anything about her but she deflected back to him each time. This annoyed him. And me. And probably you. But in true wine drinking fashion, she finally spilled the beans. His reaction, total googly eyes. Did he have a choice though? How much of a jackass would he look like if he dumped her after she tells him she has a child with her one true love that was killed in a plane accident? I would say that Emily is definitely a front runner by the way Brad repeatedly says "A lot" after telling her he likes her. A lot.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony thoughts:

-Is it just me or did Madison (Vamp-Chick) become way more like-able in this episode? Maybe it was knowing that she was leaving that made me like her? I do have to question Brad's mental state though when he told her she didn't need to take her fangs out because he liked them.. Was Brad's dreams to be a Fang Banger crushed tonight? (Little Tru Blood reference for you.)


-Michelle asking Brad to explain himself after she found out he kissed two other girls the same day as he kissed her... Hello Honey? Did you forget what show you were on? I loved his answer that he didn't kiss enough girls last time so he is making up for it this time. High five Brad, high five.

-Chantel and Brad seem to not only want to do bad things to each other (telling each other every time they see each other was my first clue) but they seem to genuinely like each others minds too. Note to self: Consider slapping guys on first date?... Maybe not.


-A good amount of gals who have had no screen time (who the heck is Stacey?)received roses this week, as well as all the ones the show has focused on which leaves who to be dumped? Two chicks. I don't remember their names but one forgot her waterproof mascara and blow dryer at home, and the other was so full of herself I am surprised she could get that inflated head into to the limo to head home. Her parting words were "F&*k Brad", maybe if she had she wouldn't be going home. Just sayin!

Manscapers, Rockettes, and Fangs, Oh MY!

I admit it, I love the Bachelor/Bachelorette TV series. Not surprisingly I always have something to say about each episode, so I thought I would share them on this blog. Hey, it is my blog, I can write whatever trash I want! When I found out the Bachelor was going to be Brad Womack, I was surprised. I remember being positive that he was going to chose Deanna Pappas his first go around and remember being shocked when he chose no one. At the time I think I was angry but then I realized not only did I needed to get a life, but it was pretty cool that he picked no one if he wasn't really feeling either of the girls. Brad, of course, had to deal with the aftermath or being one of the most hated Bachelors.Anyone else think he sent Jason Mesnick a thank you basket after Jason's train wreck season? Now he is getting his second chance which is fine with me because he is more than easy on the eyes. Supposedly he has changed. I am good with that, and could careless if he actually has, but I am worried that he will pick someone no matter what because if he doesn't this time then he will need to go into hiding. Note to Bachelor producers: We have heard him apologize enough. That horse is dead, let's move on.

Bachelor drinking game:
Take a drink every time someone says "changed" and "therapy" replacing previous seasons drinking game words "journey" and "amazing"

Yummy Brad:

Still hot. Hoping all his "changed" (drink!) ways doesn't affect his sense of humor. I used to love how he would make jokes about the girls saying or doing silly stuff. I think we are safe in that he commented he doesn't want his "package waxed at all" after the "manscaper" waxed his arm.

Girls who actually caught my attention:

Chantel O: Will now be referred to as "the slapper." She got a rose but he made her sweat it out and chose her last.

Melissa: Who else would have laughed had he not caught her?

Madison: Fangs? Really? REALLY?!?! Probably disappointed the Bachelor wasn't Rob Pattison. CANNOT believe she got a rose.

Emily: "Beautiful" blonde with sad story. First to mention she is so happy it was him instead of saying something skeptical about him. Loved that she said "it's better to be home alone than to be home and wish you were alone" I have 100 on it that she is the next Bachelorette. Count on it!

Emily Sidenote: I read that Emily's baby daddy was none other than Ricky Hendricks, son of Nascar owner, Rick Hendricks. AND she dated Dale Earnhardt Jr. Lucky gal.

Raichel: Manscaper? Really? Could she please just refer to herself as an esthetician so I can stop typing "manscaper." Where my mind goes every time is not good.

Ashley S.: Tenley look-alike. Got the first impression rose for saying she would "be his friend no matter what" Nice move... Might be stealing that line in the future...

Jackie: Lea Michele look alike.. Could she please break into "Dont Stop Believing?" that would make my night... She made Brad pinky swear that he wont break her heart? Has she not seen this show before?

Ashley H: The dentist. I think will be a final four, but previews show her being a little crazy. Doesn't really help people who fear the dentist...

Alli: Asks him if he can handle a bigger behind. She got a rose, so I guess he can.

Renee: Was interrupted every time she sat down with Brad and he let it happen.This is going to be a long season for her or maybe not since she didn't get a rose.

Jill: Needs to eat sandwich.

Lisa: wore ruby slippers because she is from Kansas. Lame.

Britt: Honey, Taylor Swift hair only looks good on Taylor Swift.

Rebecca: Don't remember much about her except she was wearing a dress I have. Great taste! ;)

Keltie: Annoyingly over excited rockette.

Michelle: Brad was wowed by her beauty. She calls herself a "real woman" I predict her being a trouble maker and the most hated girl of the season.

I see the final four being: Michelle (the trouble maker), Emily (the blonde southern belle), Ashley H. (the crazy dentist), and Ashley S. (this years Disney character).

As I close out my first of many nonsensical blogs, I leave you with this...


REALLY?!?!?

Sex and the--- Really?

As a huge fan of the Sex and the City television show, there was no doubt in my mind I would be seeing the sequel that opened recently. In fact, I was so excited to see it, I made sure I would be there on opening day. That's big for me, there are not a lot of movies I go out of my way to see on opening night.

Against my better judgment I read the reviews before the movie came out. Most of the reviews said it was a stinker, but like any true fan, I was going no matter what. I tried explaining it to my male co-worker like this: It's like Indiana Jones or Star Wars movies for guys. You know it is never going to be as good as the original but you have to go just so you can see what happens. Plus, I have never been a huge believer in reviews because most of the time I strongly disagree with them.

Sadly this was not one of those times. Now now ladies, put down the pitchforks and hear me out. I will narrow it down to a couple of points on why I was not impressed (some spoilers will be needed) and for fun I will add on why I was impressed... That way you guys will still be my friends.

1. Where's the love for the city?
In the tv show Carrie had 2 great constant (keyword: constant) loves: Her love for her girlfriends Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha and her love for the New York City. I remember specifically a quote from the show where Carrie says: "If Louis was right, and you only get one great love, then New York may just be mine...and I can't have nobody talkin' shit about my boyfriend." Well honey, where the heck is your boyfriend in this movie?

2. Who are these women?
In my opinion the reason why Sex and the City has such a following is that in every episode, no matter how outlandish the subject was, there was always something that every women could relate too. It didn't have the be the main plot of the episode but there was always a little something. We have all had that one love that was always out of reach, or been broken up with harshly (though hopefully no one by post-it), and we have all sat there with a bunch of girlfriends and wondered what the hell was going on with that certain someone in our life. Unfortunately, SATC2 misses the boat on this one. The connection is gone. I read a review that stated the ladies had all become caricatures of their former selves which amused me because weren't they all originally caricatures of modern day woman already? Now, I can see what the review meant after watching the movie.

3. Who needs a plot line when you have Camels?
I remember my heart actually hurting for Carrie when she realized Big wasn't showing up to marry her. I remember it hurting even more watching her pummel him with her perfect bouquet of flowers and yes, and I even remember thinking "what the hell is on her head" when she revealed herself on her wedding day, but this movie had no real emotion attached to it. Don't get me wrong, I cringed when her and Aidan kissed but mostly because I couldn't see why she would want to kiss Aidan when not only does she finally have everything she ever wanted, but she had cheated on Aidan WITH Big during the tv series.

It has just dawned on me that I could go on for days and days about my likes and dislikes, but since we all have jobs and no one is sending us on an all expense paid trip to Abu Dhabi, here's the cliff-notes version:

Oh-La-La (I likey!)

The Fashion.
Yes, the clothes are over the top, lavish, rich and outlandish and none of us would wear half of it, but it really was something to marvel at.

Big and Carries House
It was neat to see what happens when their two worlds collided in Home Goods. It was perfectly suited to both of them (good job Carrie!)

Sight for Sore Eyes.
From the rare glimpse of New York, the breathtaking Abu Dhabi, the fashion, and even the women's houses, each scene is very visually appealing.

That's Big.
Big managed to stay true to character throughout the tv series, the first movie and all the way through the sequel. He has never been the "lets go out all the time/or look at me" guy, no matter how much Carrie has tried to force him for years now and still isn't.

Laugh-out-Loud (or as the kids would say "LOL")

Samantha's caricature throwing condoms at the Arab men (of course her ass should have been stoned but it was amusing nonetheless.)

"Take a sip." Anthem from women everywhere on the verge of a breakdown with a with a cocktail in hand .

--Insert Cringe Here--

Samantha's "Lawrence of my labia" line. And most of her scenes with "Lawrence."

All of Carries nagging. I would want a weekly break from her too..

The Gay Wedding. And not because it was a gay wedding, but because the acting was horrible. It was awkward and felt like none of the characters had ever acted together. C'mon! You guys have had 6 seasons and a movie together before this..

Charlotte's camel toe. We all know I love a good camel toe reference but it seemed so obvious.

The whole Arabic women/undercover fashionista scene. Total filler.

Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte singing "I am Woman" in a karaoke bar with the random woman standing up, high fiving, fist pumping, and yelling "I am woman!" seemed a little too "Legally Blonde" cheesy to me. Plus, I can think of a million other more suited songs...Well not right this moment, Im blogging!

All the fake tanner. Carrie looked like she had spent the week with the Jersey Shore kids.

All the women in the actual movie theatre with me who gasped when Aiden and Carrie kissed, loudly exclaimed "I love you" to Big at one point, and clapped at the end of movie while chanting "Number 3! Number 3!".... Really? I felt like I was being punked.

Now, all in all, do I think you should see the movie? Definitely. But not because I think it is a great movie, but because as a true Sex and the City fan you have to see what happens. So, grab your lightsaber ---I mean manolo blahniks and go see the movie.